Innocence Lost
by Valairy Scot
Summary: A trial is supposed to test a Jedi. How does it feel to shed blood for the first time?


_I now have bloody hands. It could not have ended any other way; it would be his death or mine. It could not have been otherwise, I know. A Jedi accepts the responsibility and the need, should the occasion arise, but my heart hurts all the same. Only now do I know the weight and the burden such power carries. I will remember it, always. I will always regret it, and never regret it. It had to be done, but I do not take its doing lightly. I only did what I must. _- Obi-Wan Kenobi, reflecting on the death of Qui-Gon Jinn

Duty. Responsibility. Power. Need. Fear. Acceptance.

All this flashes through your mind within less than an instant. Necessary. You will never be the same, afterwards. A part of you will die.

A larger part of you will die if you don't do what you must. Innocent lives hang on your ability to do this. You swore an oath to protect the citizens of the galaxy. You meant it. You knew the price you must someday pay.

Sacrifice. For that is a Jedi's duty. To serve and protect. Your oath. Your honor. You must sacrifice your own innocence to save others. You must take a life – you must kill.

For innocence or innocents will die this day. Innocent beings will die this day. Their blood will be on your hands. Or his.

You must sacrifice your innocence to save them or sacrifice innocents to save your innocence. It is your choice – them, or yourself. Whose hands will the blood be on?

You know it will be on yours – for saving them and killing him, or for killing him and saving them. There will still be blood shed. Whose blood?

And you know the answer. There is only one answer.

Jedi. You are Jedi.

You have just one chance, and it must be a killing blow. There truly is no other way; there is no way to avoid this.

Quicker than a blink of an eye, you have faced this moment and you now do what you must. Your lightsaber ignites and you swing, taking off his arm, cutting through his torso and watch the dead body slump to the ground. The hostage falls and you are there to catch him - afraid to touch him with your bloody hands - but you can't let him fall.

You lower the hostage gently to the ground and you see no blood. You look at your hands, and they too are free of blood, yet you see it. Stained red. You will never be the same again.

There is another being with a blaster. You whirl, ready to take down this second attacker and you realize it is only a foolish citizen, wishing to appear to be a hero. You have already started your swing – you can truthfully say you reacted in the heat of battle – but you thumb off your lightsaber and let it fall to your side, breathing a sigh of relief that you recognized this being is just another innocent caught in this terrible situation.

Behind you, the Force whispers and you whirl, lightsaber up in defensive position and this is another being, bent on killing – he will kill those around him in defiance.

No! You have already killed once, you don't want to do this again and your heart is screaming _merciful Force, not again, I don't want to kill again_…and you swing, and another being dies at your hand.

A Jedi accepts the responsibility and the need, should the occasion arise, but your heart hurts all the same. Only now do you know the weight and the burden such power carries.

You will never be the same again. You have taken a life. There is no going back.

Obi-Wan sheathed his lightsaber and turned away from the sight that would always be burned within his heart and his mind. Another being, dead, at his own hand. _I only did what I must,_ he thought, as he walked blindly away.

Gentle hands caught his shoulders, turned him around and forced his eyes upward, to meet the soft knowing eyes of his master. Eyes that urged him back to the moment, to the place – he was in the Temple. He had not saved anyone, or killed anyone – but he now knew what it felt like to kill another being. There was no going back.

"It hurts, Master," he tried hard not to whimper, his emotions still raw. "It hurts."

"It always should, little one," and the master put his arm around the apprentice and guided him to a seat. Obi-Wan's words had come out quiet and calm, heard out loud, but the master knew the emotion behind them, for the bond was still wide open. He knew, because he had faced this same test. He knew, because he could see the hurt and pain in his padawan's eyes.

This trial had been sprung on Obi-Wan without notice, for it was designed to take the padawan without mental preparation into a difficult situation. Qui-Gon had taken his young apprentice to a rarely used practice salle with an explanation that they would do some sparring. Once they had reached the room and closed themselves within it, Qui-Gon had asked Obi-Wan to close his eyes and fully open the bond.

The young Jedi was surprised at the request but he had obeyed without question. Qui-Gon had _reached_ into his mind and set the scene, and stepped back to observe. Only now was his young padawan realizing what had happened, blinking with a bit of confusion still hovering around his mind but beginning to understand.

He reached to his padawan and twirled the long, skinny braid thoughtfully around one of his fingers. It was below Obi-Wan's shoulder now, adorned with small beads that attested to the various skills he had mastered.

Qui-Gon let go the braid with a soft sigh and twisted around, waiting for Obi-Wan to surface from his thoughts and to lift his eyes to meet his master's.

"I did not expect this," Obi-Wan said simply. "It was…difficult, master."

Qui-Gon closed his eyes in relief. _Difficult on your master, too, young one. It is meant to be difficult, but you are neither broken by emotion nor free from it. As you should be._

"I am very proud of you. This is not an easy trial. You did what had to be done, as I expected, but the real trial was not that you kill, but how you came to your decision and how you handle having killed another being."

"Master – does it always hurt, each time?" Obi-Wan had to ask. He knew Qui-Gon had had to kill, several times, he had known it even before he had become his padawan, but they had never really _talked_ about it.

"It does, Padawan mine, it does if you have a heart within you," Qui-Gon said gently. "I find it best to mourn the life taken rather than my having taken it. It hurts a little less that way, but it still hurts, and I don't ever want that hurt to go away."

Obi-Wan nodded mutely, and looked at his hands. _They aren't red _a soft whisper of astonishment came through the bond, quickly stifled and followed by an apologetic thought.

"No, Obi-Wan, they aren't red," Qui-Gon answered steadily, taking the callused hands in his and rubbing his thumb over the palms, urging the clenched hands to relax. "They will never be stained red, as long as you regret each life you have had to take. The stain comes from killing in anger, wantonly – the red is a mark of shame that your mind places on them. Your hands will never be stained red as long as you remain true to being a Jedi." He let the words sink in, felt Obi-Wan slowly nod and relax his hands within his master's soft clasp.

_What color do you see now?_

_No color, Master. No color. _There was relief in the thought, relief and weariness, for the test was emotionally draining.

"Rest," Qui-Gon said softly, pulling the young Jedi's head to lean against his shoulder. "We'll stay here a while before we return to our quarters. There you can sleep, or we can talk, however you feel."

"My…hesitation, it didn't disappoint you, Master?" he asked softly.

Qui-Gon's arm only tightened around his padawan's shoulders, and he took his padawan's braid within his other hand.

"If it did, I wouldn't be ready to put this bead into this, my padawan." He withdrew his arm, for he needed both hands to weave the bead into the braid, another sign of his padawan's growing skills.

The young man was just twenty-five and it wouldn't be long until Obi-Wan was ready to face the Trials that would make him a Knight. Twelve years, together, watching his apprentice grow from a boy to a young man, growing more skilled every day, wise and brave and loving, flashed through his mind. But he was still headstrong, fighting impatience, and not always perfectly attuned to the Force. That would come, he knew.

"No, Obi-Wan, you did not disappoint me, far from it. You flinched from killing, yet took only a moment to determine that you needed to do so, and you did. Without hesitation, without fear, and without anger. You didn't let your pain at drawing blood keep you from continuing to do what needed to be done. Despite your pain and hurt, you did what had to be done. You were able to keep focus and recognize a true threat, and you were just as anguished over the second killing. It should not get easier to kill with each life you must take. You did not find it so. That is how one passes this trial."

"Master, I hope I never have to take another life," he said seriously, sitting up, forgetting that it was only an illusion, not actual lives that he had taken.

"Padawan mine, I hope you never have to, either," Qui-Gon returned steadily, standing up and pulling playfully on his apprentice's nerf tail. "But there are worst things one can face."

His padawan only shivered. "I only hope I am strong enough to face them."

"You are strong enough, Obi-Wan. You don't know yet how strong. You are Jedi – you will be able to do what you must. When this braid comes off, you will be ready to face anything. Until then, I will continue to guide you, until you are ready to know your own strength."

"Come, padawan, let's return to our quarters." He stood and waited for Obi-Wan to lead the way. Watching the straight back and adorned braid of his padawan, the master hesitated before following, sliding into his own thoughts.

Taking a life was never easy. He understood and empathized with all of Obi-Wan's feelings, for he had been attuned to everything his padawan saw and thought throughout the Trial, through the wide open bond. He had been the focus of the other Jedi masters projected thoughts that had guided Obi-Wan through this very-real appearing scene, one that had been only in his and Obi-Wan's minds.

A more difficult trial lay ahead: duty versus loyalty.

Choosing to sacrifice one life to save others, or to choose duty over saving a friend. There were several variations possible, but they all involved having to leave a friend, a Jedi, or an innocent behind in order to save others.

It was far harder for a padawan to accept that a Jedi might have to sacrifice another being for a greater good, than it was to kill a being in order to save others. It was a test of no easy choices, where each option resulted in death and pain. That darker test lay ahead in Obi-Wan's future. For that, Qui-Gon was grateful.

In that test, he would be the sacrificial victim. Obi-Wan would have to leave him, apparently dying, to save others, or save his master and abandon his duty. When this trial came and was passed, Obi-Wan would be ready to assume the rank of Knight, for by then he would have passed all the trials and tests that would have prepared him for the rank.

Qui-Gon knew he would have to guide Obi-Wan carefully, along the path of acceptance and duty, for Obi-Wan's heart would make that test far harder on him than for most Jedi. He would find it hard to leave his master's side to do what duty demanded of him. Qui-Gon had no doubt that Obi-Wan would succeed, but at what price to his heart?

That day lay some time off yet.

Tomorrow, they would leave at the Chancellor's request, to negotiate a settlement. It would be a simple negotiation.

Tomorrow, they would leave for Naboo.


End file.
